Many women I work with have a real desire to have a great sex life with their husbands, but they feel shy or awkward when their husbands ask them to go outside of their comfort zone. in any of these ways). There are many reasons why you feel uncomfortable, anxious or confined in the bedroom, related to your own past, current problems, your relationship with your husband. This post can help you understand why you don’t feel open or free in your bedroom despite your best intentions. First, it is important to acknowledge the broader social context in which so many women grow up. In society at large, it is “bad” for a woman to be considered a “slut”. This means that many women try to limit their sexual experience before marriage. They don’t want to increase their number, that is, the number of men with whom they have had sex. Also, they don’t want to be seen as overly sexual by others. It’s very difficult to move from trying to be seen as “good” aka non-sexual, or at least not overly sexual, whatever that may mean in different cultural groups, to becoming should be sexually confident in a love relationship. Once you get used to trying to cross one dimension, it can be extremely difficult to flip a dime and connect with another, 180 degree opposite, part of your personality. Body type “sexy” or possibly several variations on the same theme. However, very few women have any of these body types in real life, which can unfortunately lead to the thought that you can’t be truly attractive if you don’t look specifically. This body shame and insecurity afflicts many women, and is a source of the desire to be covered up during sex, whether with blankets, darkness, or clothing. be met. In general, society teaches women that they should be nice and polite, and focus on meeting the needs of others. When their partners ask what they want and genuinely want to please them, many women either don’t know what they want because they’ve never really thought about it, or don’t know how to express what they want. (Half of the reason I’m writing this post is so women can see that their needs are real and shared by other women, and give them a way to express these needs with their partner, even via email.) Many men yearn for a woman to initiate sex, but this is contrary to the way society teaches women to be restrained and not demanding. he dates or proposes. For many women, sex is something that is only initiated by their partner, and they feel awkward, aggressive, and even masculine at the beginning of any sexual encounter. There aren’t really stereotypes in the mass media for women to initiate sex unless they are “sluts” in some way, although the pattern is changing in the current generation. . blogs like here, so they’re really not in the mood for a large percentage of the time. Initiating sex when you’re not feeling the hormone-driven lust feels awkward and weird. The equivalent would be if a man were asked to initiate sex with a woman he was not at all attracted to. When a woman feels no desire, there is really no desire. However, because women have a responsive desire, at the beginning of foreplay, they may be aroused, then once aroused they feel less inhibited. . They just don’t know what words to use, and many men won’t tell their wives exactly what to say because they want their wife’s sexy talk to be rooted in the basics (which is almost impossible). for women who don’t think about sex in words). Additionally, in my experience with female clients, many women have visceral disgust reactions to certain words, especially before they feel aroused and thus become irritable. more easily banned. Some words make others feel humiliated, possibly due to social connections as well as past experiences. This especially applies to women who have little sexual experience compared to their husbands. It is surprising to many husbands that their wives have thought about their lack of sexual experience, especially when their last partner was outside of their marriage many moons ago. Compare yourself with your husband’s previous spouse, whether the wives know the details of these encounters. Many women feel that their sex skills will not be as good as their husband’s previous lovers, so why bother. I encourage male clients to give their wives plenty of compliments in bed to combat this lack of confidence, which has the effect of making some women feel more comfortable, albeit only in the context of a relationship. system has a solid foundation of trust. everyone else “is having a better sex life than they are, or all of their friends feel more lustful than they are (even if these friends “joke” about their low libidos). These women may be interested in going to therapy, couples, individual or sex therapy, and learning some facts about women and sex. Reading books and articles about sex is also helpful to clear up misconceptions about women’s sexual desire and functioning (like mine). One book that offers many helpful and comforting facts about women’s libido is Want Sex Again by Laurie Watson. Everyone deserves a fulfilling sex life, no matter what for them personally. Understanding that many women feel sexually insecure is often the first step in making women feel authentic enough to discover how to feel more sexually fulfilled. And until we meet again, I’m staying, Blogger says, your husband’s sexual past is probably less interesting than you think, FWIW .———- Order my latest book Dr. Rodman, 52 Emails to Change Your Marriage and Order Her First Book: How to Talk to Your Kids About Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and is in no way a substitute for consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it doesn’t work for you, you can’t sue me. This is just my opinion, based on my background, training and experience as a therapist and everyone else’s comments.
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